I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I’ve been spending my “free time” trying to escape my first trimester nausea reality, by replacing it with other realities, like Suits.  It’s been challenging to remain fully present, and enjoy the recent holidays and happenings when so much of my mind is occupied with baby two.

The only moment of clarity I can count on happens before I even open my eyes in the morning; a quick prayer of gratitude and acknowledgement for this new life growing in my now apple shaped uterus.  

I’m slowly starting to come out of the fog.  Emerging more pregnant, and with a far greater enthusiasm for household activities and holiday adventures than I can actually handle.  

While I’ve been here before, baby two feels different; a whole new person, a new family dynamic and unique emotions.  There are feelings of reluctance, “Here we go again….”, but also endless gratitude, “Here we go again!”

My diet is mostly one of gluten and meat. I think my husband was filled with more joy when I told him I was craving In n’ Out, than he was on the day we said, “I do!”.

I was number two in my sister lineup of four girls. And now I’m having my second. Something feels special about this one. 

But number one Maisley surprises me every day. Sometimes I get overwhelmingly sad that our time with just us is limited. My nanny recently likened her to a porcupine; cute as shit, cuddly, and wonderful, but just a little pokey sometimes.

Today is my 31st birthday and as I pulled her from the crib with arms stretched high, into my own, she squealed in delight like a true morning person.

I immediately had the thought that one day, I wouldn’t be able to pick her up with such ease, or maybe at all. And I held her closer than usual, rocking back and forth.

In that moment, she landed not one, but two unsolicited mouth kisses coupled with her signature sound effect, “mmmaaahhh”.  From the girl who holds her cards close, those kisses were like winning the lottery.

I worry with each baby that I will lose more and more of myself. But so far, I’ve only gained; more perspective, more love, and more insight into who I am.

That’s a reality I want to keep living in.