Tag: grief and motherhood

  • Jenna

    Not Another Love Story

    We tell our love storylike words on the back of a wine bottleHow it all startedHow the rest was history.We smile and laugh at the same parts, we remember the serendipity and irony of it all. At some point the “story” ended and we actually began:Marriage, a baby, a second baby, a move, a death, another babyHow do you capture such complexity…

  • Jenna

    Not Another Motherhood Post

    I lay in bed and circle the pothole of guiltwondering if I’ll step into it tonight. Will bathing in the pit absolve me of my sins for the day?Tomorrow I’ll read more books, meal-prep sooner, do an art project, pay more attention to the middle one, draw with the big one and promise not to make anyone feel bad. I’m so cautious…

  • Jenna

    Lost & Found

    If my body had a “presence” notification, like an iPhone does for weekly screen time, what percentage of the day would it show that I spend in my body versus lost in the ping-pong of my well-intentioned mind? Stillness is illusive. For so long the present moment has felt scary, unproductive, unsafe, angsty and not stimulating enough. I am able…

  • Jenna

    Who You Are Now

    Whenever I get moving a little too quickly during bedtime routine, Coura demands that I “brush her hair like Poppi did”.  She remembers me sharing how you would gently take the brush around the curve of our ears as we sat in front of you watching Sports Center. Maisley tells me that you painted the sky during a perfect sunset.You are a …

  • Jenna

    Gentle Reminder

    As I lay in the crook of his arm with my head on his chest – the place I have always fit so perfectly –I hear the beating of his heart for the first time in days. The steady rhythm jolts me into how alive we are and how fleeting we are. Underneath all of the rushing and worrying and organizing and…

  • Jenna

    Rancho Grande

    What I’m really asking when I inquire about staying at a remote farm on Airbnb: Am I safe to be still? Am I allowed to relax enough to hear the pigs snore? Do I deserve to rest? May I slow my body enough to move like the wind through the trees? Will I be able to feel the awe and…

  • Jenna

    Mara Love

    Her small body on my chest is like a weighted comfort blanket in our dark room. All of my ambient thoughts are dissipated by the loud hum of the sound machine. How do you bottle a feeling?Her body flinching.Her lips softly smacking. Her booty perfectly lifted up by an invisible string from the sky.Her sweet fingers grazing my chest.Her soft round head…

  • Jenna

    Tiny People in a Tiny House

    *Written in February 2021 2020 felt like it ended with an ellipsis, to be continued. Answers I had hoped for personally and ones we had all hoped for collectively, still wandering about.  We are living into the everyday, ordinary moments right now; stretching them out into an entire life. Ryan and I danced in the kitchen. Maisley sang Maroon Five…

  • Jenna

    The Day She Was Born

    “Oh, and there’s one more thing,” I tenuously asked our future long-term Airbnb host. “I was wondering if you would be comfortable with us giving birth at your property?…I promise a home birth isn’t as messy as it might seem!” Her birth story is now a story. Something that actually happened and something I can share. For nine months I…

  • Jenna

    Mom & Dad

    Time is something we can never believe.Death is something we can never imagine.Yet both are hereCertainElements of lifeBurn you more than othersThe dark moments of parenthood…Was I even meant to be a mom? A dad?I don’t feel good at my name right nowMore like I’m drowning in survival tasks, unable to do the things I thought I would as a…