Are you hungry?
Shame, fear, regret, disappointment, doubt;
it’s all welcome here.
I see that you need a hug.
You don’t have to pretend or perform.
You can be honest with me.
You are my priority.
I’m not going anywhere.
Come here, come home, I see you.
I love you.
Let’s just be.
To fall in love with me
is to say I love you and I see you to every piece of me.
I will never leave you,
you’re my priority.
It means fresh flowers around the house;
anything the color green.
Lots of trees.
With anxiety; unending compassion and reassurance.
With anger; validation and love.
With excitement; permission.
Go easy on me when the laundry piles up.
Time to read.
Time to write.
Time to play barefoot outside.
Connect with people I feel connected to.
Push me to walk when I want to run;
and the opposite too.
Enjoy Ryan-love, family-laughs and kid-kisses in the magical now.
This is a falling-in-love list for me.
How do you fall in love with you?
*Jordan and I came up with this fun idea when we were working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.
Overall I’m having more “good” days than “bad” days right now. After a string of good days, the bad ones still catch me off guard. Is it grief? Is it motherhood? Is it an aggro-crag of PMS? Is it just a hard day?
My dedicated brain is always trying to understand and find an explanation for the spontaneous feelings and happenings in my days.
During the hard ones, I (sometimes frantically) pull out my road map of tactics and try to remind myself that I’m not back at the beginning, but just having a hard day.
With grief, new losses amidst the bigger loss are emerging. The loss of Father’s Day, our family unit as we knew it and the simplicity of nachos with jalapeños at baseball games. The loss of me, as I knew her.
When I have conversations with my future self, the one who has that “my kids are now wiping their own ass” glow, she always comes with one clear message.
You will never regret showing yourself compassion.
She goes on to say…
What you are going through is hard.
Asking for more help is necessary.
Not feeling like you can do your job of motherhood everyday is okay.
Wondering if it will always be this hard is normal.
She doesn’t say to try harder or do more or get a new job, she just says:
Be kind and take care of yourself.
Hard Day Road Map
- EFT – tapping
- Constant prayer and putting up a force field around me of love and support from my guardian angels and God (sounds a little “woo woo” like Oprah would say, but it helps immediately)
- Meditation – I love the Calm App
- Stream of consciousness writing
- Getting outside for walk or a swim
- Walking barefoot around our front yard
- Calling someone or meeting up with a friend
- Crying and allowing the feelings