Who Am I Really?

:: I sometimes feel like I am so busy pursuing everyone else’s vision of success, creativity or happiness that I’ve lost sight of what my own soul is truly after. ::

Two weeks ago, in the Redwoods of Santa Cruz, I found myself in a room next to 200 other people, hanging on the words of renowned life coach, Martha Beck. I was exactly where I didn’t know I needed to be. The topic of this retreat was about returning to your essential self. Breaking through fear, trauma and past socialization to get back to who you really are.

A quest I have been pursuing for many years now (probably since my awkward middle school encounters of bullying and unbearable self-consciousness) that has come with many highs and lows, like any great adventure.

People, stories and moments keep popping up to remind me of this quest. To keep pushing me toward integrity and to make decisions – big and small – that are true to who I really am. As a dedicated people pleaser, this is the hardest thing for me to do.

But nothing excites and motivates me more than a life where I’m living each day as myself. I’m slowly getting closer. For me, for God, my daughters, my family and my true purpose.

I found this poem I wrote a few years ago about the quest.  Another reminder, I’m exactly where I need to be. 

Who are you and why do I care about what you think?
What is it about you that makes me stop and introspect to the point of self defeat?
Or maybe it isn’t really you after all.
Maybe it’s me;
the person I am trying to be.
Sealed shut, locked away.
Aiming to please when discomfort strikes,
but I have so much more to say.
I care too much about what people think,
but mostly the people I don’t care about, what they think.
Do I look ok? Will what I say offend you? Am I funny enough? Unique enough? Am I intelligent enough? Am I enough?
Quiet careful mind, and let me say what I think.
Raw and naked, no filter.
No judgements, please.

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