I am a deeply sensitive person. I often “numb out” when watching sad movies or hearing sad stories because it’s just too much.
Now I am here, living out my worst nightmare: something bad happening to someone I love. And it’s real, even though it doesn’t feel like it.
Enter: anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, fear, endless questions.
The deepest sadness I’ve ever known is now tangled throughout my everyday. I have to feel it and let it move through me. In the midst of it all, I have to keep committing and recommitting to living out loud, just like he did.
Each day I am discovering small joys, grounding myself by touching the dirt and sitting on our cool driveway. Walking barefoot around our rain-kissed neighborhood. Listening to Coura Joan laugh. Doing sidewalk chalk of really big, really spooky pumpkins with Maisley. Taking baths with lavender epsom salt.
There’s a house down the street that has a life-like skeleton in their driveway as part of their halloween decorations. Everyday, the skeleton is doing something new. Yesterday he was fixing a car, today he is skating on a ramp, what will he be doing tomorrow? That skeleton, that dead, plastic set of bones we have dubbed “Steve”, might just be the best thing in my life right now.
A tiny part of me can see that in feeling this full spectrum of emotions, that in my biggest brokenness, I am becoming more whole. That this is life. Sorrow, despair, joy and love.