“The wilderness had a clarity that included me. That included all of us.” – Cheryl Strayed

There is a call within my grief to go into the wild. A deep desire to feel connected to the Creator; grounded in His expansive, oxygen rich masterpieces.  In a past life, I would uproot and run to it. Right now, I’m patiently listening to it. Incorporating it in between nap times and snack times – in these anything but ordinary times. A quick recharge rather than a full on runaway.

Errands and laundry followed by the earth beneath my feet. “Brush your teeth”, “change your clothes”, “here’s breakfast” — a quick song by The Birds in the Trees. Holding her small hand in mine on our short hike to the tippity top top.

The introduction of death has sped up every lifelong dream and desire from someday, to today. With so many different lives beckoning my attention, my mind feels in a constant state of tug-of-war. How do I go here and there, take this course, that road and fulfill the other idea, while still being “mama”, “June” and “Jenna Bean”. A cognitive dissonance between grounded and free. My family; my home, my heart, my everything and everywhere I want to be. And yet – travel, solo adventure, art, creativity, feeling like me. 

As with sadness and joy, maybe grounded and free are closer together than I think. More alike than different. I feel Grounded and free in the majestic arms of Mother Earth. Grounded and free in the presence of the innocent, unfiltered, colorful joy of my children. Grounded and free in the promise of forever with someone who I am fully me. 

My answer to the call of the wild: Thanks for including of me. I’m coming for you, just in pieces, rather than all at once.