I feel like I’m chasing after something, perpetually a foot behind where I think should be.
Offensive piles of laundry.
Lost things and lost tempers.
Where’s Monkey?
Did you get Ergo?
How is it only 8:30?
How is it already 8:30?

I can throw out compassion like Tic Tacs to other people.
A break here, a bone there.
But when it comes to turning that kindness around on myself it gets lost, feels foreign and uncomfortable.
That’s how I know it’s exactly what I need.

I’ve always been someone who just pushes through.
It’s counterintuitive for me not to fight,
but learning how to be imperfect takes practice.

So I’m working on softer things like acceptance and letting go.
Finding a little give in the system for time and permission.

Right now being strong means surrendering.
Accepting anxiety.
Accepting love and anger.
Accepting that grief is a wandering road of highs and lows.
Accepting rather than throwing myself into the arena with resistance.

April is my wanderlust month. The time of year, every year, where my Google search history reads things like:
“What is the best South American country to travel to with kids” and
“Where is Glacier National Park” and
“What is it like to be in a motorhome with kids for two weeks”.
My mind’s nature is to dream up wild adventures.

Right now I’m recognizing the need to lay my full blown carpe diem to rest.
To take bites out of adventure, rather than trying to tackle a whole bucket list in one sitting.

I’m reminding myself that right now is just that. It’s not forever.
Right now is a season of longer days, birds chirping, flowers waking up and Zyrtec. Right now is finding peace in the collecting, waiting and resting.