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A First Laugh
I laughed really hard for the first time since my dad died. I was sitting in the kitchen doing some writing while Maisley was pretending to nap. Our part-time nanny and friend, Jordan, peered around the corner and whispered, “Oh you gotta see this.” I got up to find Maisley standing in the hallway, butt naked, proud and smirking, anxiously…
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Crickets
This electric nervous energy has me levitating lately. Everything around me is just out of reach. Gravity is nowhere to be found and I’m trying to grasp and hang on to anything I can. Sitting in a state of grief has opened me up to smaller nuances and things that I might not have noticed before my dad died. I…
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Life Right Now
I am a deeply sensitive person. I often “numb out” when watching sad movies or hearing sad stories because it’s just too much. Now I am here, living out my worst nightmare: something bad happening to someone I love. And it’s real, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Enter: anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, fear, endless questions. The deepest…
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The Summer of Life and Death
I’ve lived 31 years without knowing what grief is. I know about death. People die all the time. Just not people who are ingrained in my DNA, my every memory, my childhood, and my entire existence up to one moment. From one moment to the next, my life became unrecognizable. I’ve been propelled into an alternate universe where I feel…
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My Dad Showed Up
My dad showed up. He showed up every day to work as a compassionate and intelligent boss, a quietly confident role model, never once taking a sick day. He showed up every day as a dad, in steadfast love, support, advice and compassion. He showed up to every soccer game and track meet with a smile, like he wouldn’t rather…
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The A word
I’ve had anxiety since I was a little girl, but never really knew that’s what I was up against until recently, when I started reading more books and blogs on the topic, listening to podcasts, practicing yoga and talking to other like-minded humans. “Anxiety feels like fear. Fear that my family is going to be hurt, fear that I’ve pissed…
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Dear Coura
Dear Coura Bear, I think my first words to you weren’t exactly words, but sighs of joy, admiration and relief. I eventually looked up to your dad, breathless and euphoric, saying, “Oh my God, I can’t believe she’s here. She’s so perfect.” Your birth day was a mix of blurry moments and vivid ones that are stamped safely in my…
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In & Out of Mom Mode
As I dive deeper into motherhood, I feel like I’m growing further and further away from my carefree, 20-something former self. Ryan just kindly informed me that we are closer to Maisley’s first day of high school than to our first day of high school. He loves saying shit like that. My favorite little sister** is getting married in less…
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I Lost My Train of Thought
Sometimes I look at the date and am surprised by it. Like my circadian rhythm is permanently set to another timezone. It’s summer, but I don’t really know what time of year it is. The sleepy postpartum fog takes me out of everyday life. It’s hard to make normal conversation with even close friends and family, let alone the chummy…
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Act Like a Two-Year-Old
Dear ZuZu, You are now at the age adults refer to when calling someone (of any age) out for irrational behavior. “Stop acting like a two-year-old!” or “You’re acting like a two-year-old!” While your strong-willed tantrums give me a front row seat to the two-year-old stereotype, there is a whole, vibrant person starting to emerge from your tiny body that…
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Altered Latitude 