Tag: grief

  • Christmas Present

    As I was on my usual walk through the eucalyptus trees, I noticed an abandoned play structure in a backyard, overgrown with weeds and sticks and leaves. It made me think about that family whose kids are now running around soccer fields, texting their friends and rolling their eyes at the people who gave them life. The once beloved play…

  • Birth and Death, Breath by Breath

    My knees met the floor at the side of my bed in desperation, exhaustion. Ironically, the same place I bowed down to birth, I found myself surrendering to grief. In anger and tears, I had lost all strength. The pain was too much. As time recklessly and graciously ticked on, the swell passed. When I got to my feet, I…

  • 365 Days With My Dad

    On the first day you left, I opened a new google doc and titled it: “365 days without my dad”. Every day since then you have proven me wrong.    My gaze lingers longer than it should on the butterfly or the hummingbird. Is it you? What are you now? More of a feeling or a moment, rather than someone…

  • Coming of Age

    There are so many things that can’t be put into words and so many other things that I wish I never had.  Maisley kept asking where Poppi was when we were celebrating his birthday dinner. She asked if he was going to come down from the sky now. I got halfway through my beautiful explanation about how we can’t feel…

  • September

    “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” – Paulo Coelho September is chock-full of change – new school year, Football season (eye-roll) and fall on the horizon. Grounded into the newness are lingering summer nights that leave me grasping for the memories and feelings of more carefree days.  It’s officially September 2019 and…

  • One More

    One more song with the windows rolled down, One more trip to a bucket list town. One more beer, One more cheers. One more comforting hug, One more full-bodied laugh, One more finance chat. One more piece of advice, One more after-dinner orange slice. One more Bass Lake run, One more game of Yahtzee, anyone? One more visit to the…

  • Hard Days: A Road Map

    Overall I’m having more “good” days than “bad” days right now. After a string of good days, the bad ones still catch me off guard. Is it grief? Is it motherhood? Is it an aggro-crag of PMS? Is it just a hard day? My dedicated brain is always trying to understand and find an explanation for the spontaneous feelings and…

  • Triggers

    I drove to Creative Mornings with mascara on, feeling brave and un-smudgeable. I met my friend and creative dreaming partner, Suzanne, coincidently twinning in a golden shirt, jeans and brown sandals. It was her birthday and the day before Coura’s birthday. I was feeling excited to hear some inspiring words on creativity. Five minutes into the presentation, the speaker started…

  • Word Preferences

    Unhelpful Helpful Settling down Putting down roots I’m unraveling I’m untangling Everything happens for a reason Everything happens I’m so sorry Thank you for understanding I’m such an idiot I made a mistake I really want to go for a walk I’m out the door! See you in a bit I’ve always wanted to go to… I just booked a…

  • Going Home

    It’s hard to go back to the place I called home for so many years. Four walls that are dangerously close to feeling more foreign than comforting now almost eight months after September 29th. We pulled around the corner to 48 Amantes, just like I’ve done thousands of times, and some of those since he’s been gone. It never gets…