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Somewhere in the Ocotillo Trees
I have this irrational argument in my head on a regular basis of whether I prefer the ocean or the mountains as my soul place. I force myself to choose. Definitely the mountains with their all-encompassing pine trees and majestic views, I think. Yeah, but the ocean with it’s limitless expanse, compassion and fresh salty air, I’ll think back. On…
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Dear Dadio
Dear Dadio, It’s been three months now since you’ve gone home. It feels like longer and it feels like yesterday. I try so desperately to cling onto specific words from past conversations, but everything feels hazy right now. Saying I miss you doesn’t do it justice. I wonder what word would be better. I fucking miss you? I don’t think…
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32: Into the Wild
I turned 32 last week. How does it feel? As my dad used to say, “It feels just like 31!” Many things are the same. Instead of perfume, I still rub “chill pill” essential oil balm onto my wrists and neck. The first time I look at my hair in the morning is typically in the rear view mirror of…
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What If It’s Great?
I couldn’t walk after my dad died. My anxiety was crippling. I thought I was also going to die. The grief had manifested so physically that I could barely get up. Every type of food made me nauseous like I was back in my first trimester of pregnancy. I had to stop breastfeeding my 4-month-old daughter because I had nothing…
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A First Laugh
I laughed really hard for the first time since my dad died. I was sitting in the kitchen doing some writing while Maisley was pretending to nap. Our part-time nanny and friend, Jordan, peered around the corner and whispered, “Oh you gotta see this.” I got up to find Maisley standing in the hallway, butt naked, proud and smirking, anxiously…
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Life Right Now
I am a deeply sensitive person. I often “numb out” when watching sad movies or hearing sad stories because it’s just too much. Now I am here, living out my worst nightmare: something bad happening to someone I love. And it’s real, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Enter: anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, fear, endless questions. The deepest…
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Dear Coura
Dear Coura Bear, I think my first words to you weren’t exactly words, but sighs of joy, admiration and relief. I eventually looked up to your dad, breathless and euphoric, saying, “Oh my God, I can’t believe she’s here. She’s so perfect.” Your birth day was a mix of blurry moments and vivid ones that are stamped safely in my…
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In & Out of Mom Mode
As I dive deeper into motherhood, I feel like I’m growing further and further away from my carefree, 20-something former self. Ryan just kindly informed me that we are closer to Maisley’s first day of high school than to our first day of high school. He loves saying shit like that. My favorite little sister** is getting married in less…
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I Lost My Train of Thought
Sometimes I look at the date and am surprised by it. Like my circadian rhythm is permanently set to another timezone. It’s summer, but I don’t really know what time of year it is. The sleepy postpartum fog takes me out of everyday life. It’s hard to make normal conversation with even close friends and family, let alone the chummy…
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Act Like a Two-Year-Old
Dear ZuZu, You are now at the age adults refer to when calling someone (of any age) out for irrational behavior. “Stop acting like a two-year-old!” or “You’re acting like a two-year-old!” While your strong-willed tantrums give me a front row seat to the two-year-old stereotype, there is a whole, vibrant person starting to emerge from your tiny body that…
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Altered Latitude 