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Life Right Now
I am a deeply sensitive person. I often “numb out” when watching sad movies or hearing sad stories because it’s just too much. Now I am here, living out my worst nightmare: something bad happening to someone I love. And it’s real, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Enter: anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, fear, endless questions. The deepest…
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The Summer of Life and Death
I’ve lived 31 years without knowing what grief is. I know about death. People die all the time. Just not people who are ingrained in my DNA, my every memory, my childhood, and my entire existence up to one moment. From one moment to the next, my life became unrecognizable. I’ve been propelled into an alternate universe where I feel…
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My Dad Showed Up
My dad showed up. He showed up every day to work as a compassionate and intelligent boss, a quietly confident role model, never once taking a sick day. He showed up every day as a dad, in steadfast love, support, advice and compassion. He showed up to every soccer game and track meet with a smile, like he wouldn’t rather…
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Who Am I Really?
:: I sometimes feel like I am so busy pursuing everyone else’s vision of success, creativity or happiness that I’ve lost sight of what my own soul is truly after. :: Two weeks ago, in the Redwoods of Santa Cruz, I found myself in a room next to 200 other people, hanging on the words of renowned life coach, Martha…
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Waiting for Maisley
As I sit here on the eve of Maisley’s first birthday, I can’t help but think about what I was doing last year at this very minute and the days leading up to her birth; endless swells of uncertainty, joy, fear and excited anticipation. Here are some highlights from my journal entries during the last 15 days of waiting for…
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First Steps on Mother Turf
Maisley, You took your first steps today. We have been coaxing you to walk for a few weeks now, but you never take our bait in the form of a yellow sneetch or a sparkly blue ball. We were out in the beautiful sunshine at Choice in Carlsbad. Just you and me. It’s one of your favorite places (and mine)…
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Holy Anxiety
I wore a skort to church one Sunday when I was 9-years-old. I mistakenly sat at the end of the wooden pew which left me susceptible to outside hand holding during the “Our Father”. Sure enough, the young (cute) boy across the aisle reached out with his clammy right hand, ready for my awkward embrace. The rest of mass he…
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Mother’s Day Matters
Yesterday was my very first Mother’s Day. I had been so looking forward to this celebration, yet I felt a low level sense of disappointment all day. When Maisley was two months old, I remember thinking how much I would enjoy the sh** out of Mother’s Day this year. I remember in a breaking point, thinking, this is why mothers have a whole…
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Ideas & Daydreams
I felt a breeze of Australia today. I was putting Maisley in her car seat and out of nowhere this rush of air came through me like a whisper on a whim. The sun, a smell, the air. It was transporting and invigorating. It filled up my wanderlust tank in a split second. It was Australia, in Carlsbad. I felt…
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Before You; Us
Dear Bean, I love your Dad with all my heart. It’s so important for you to know that. Before you so perfectly came into our lives, we dated. We met in high school, but always stayed in the “friend zone” {even though I totally had a crush on him}. Like a true friend and gentleman, he always held the door…
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Altered Latitude 