No one knows what to say. We don’t know what to say. No one can imagine. We can’t imagine either.

New to death? So are we.

While nothing can take away the pain or fill the void of a loss, so many thoughtful words, acts and gestures have helped us carry on to the next day – even with joy.

From our experience, here is a list of what we (my sisters, my mom and I) are finding helpful and comforting in the days and weeks following the loss of our dad. Above anything else, the biggest act of love is to show up and reach out with a listening ear and compassionate heart.

What to Say

• Ask “how are you today?” rather than “how are you?”
• Talk about the person they lost, offer kind words, a warm hug and a listening ear. This feels much better than any well-intentioned avoidance of the person.
• If you have experienced a loss, share meaningful perspectives you have learned through personal experience.
  • “The future that I felt entitled to with this person wasn’t actually ever mine. This path that I am on is the exact one that was always intended for me.”
• My aunt came up to me on Christmas and said, “I just want you to know that I miss him so much. I miss him every day. I’m not trying to make you sad, I just want you to know that.” The perfect combination of acknowledgement, love and empathy.
• Offer understanding, prayers and support that don’t expire.
• “I love when people text me a memory or a story about Dad. I love the random texts because it’s nice to hear Dad is on other people’s minds too.”
• Send a “Thinking of you and your [loved one]” text to show support on both holidays and random days.
• Follow-up after the service or celebration of life is over.
• An email over a text is great in the beginning if it’s not someone super close to you.
• If the person is upset or having a moment, assume it’s because of their loss. Offer love and grace, no questions asked.
• Let them know that they aren’t crazy and what they are feeling is normal.
• Sit, cry and make them laugh.
• Briefly give tips on what helped you during a period of grief.
  • “Grieve how you need to and don’t judge yourself for how you are feeling. Feel what you need to, when you need to.”
• Text, email or call to share your favorite memories or the way the person they lost made you feel. 
  • “Your dad always made me feel so understood and heard. He genuinely cared about what I had to say.”
• Let them know you are eating their loved one’s favorite food, listening to their favorite song, etc.
• If they are religious – send a comforting bible verse or song.
  • “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
  • “He will send His angels concerning you.” Psalm 91:11
  • Homesick by MercyMe

What to Do

• If there is something you want to do, be persistent. Follow up if they forget to respond.
  • “I’d like to bring you or order you dinner. What night works best?”
  • “I’d love to meet you for a walk. If you are up for it, how does next week work?”
• Bring over normal food and groceries like eggs, bananas, avocados, bread.
• Freezer meals are great.
• Do something to help them honor the person that died:
  • A poem
  • A special tree or plant
  • A candle to light during the holidays
  • Organizing an annual memorial bike ride or event that suits their loved one
  • Have a mass said in their honor
  • Turn their funeral flowers into a rosary
  • Name a star after them
• Attend the funeral and celebration of life.
• Send a meal a week or two later.
• Do their laundry.
• Clean up their house.
• Bring a seasonal item if applicable to help bring joy (i.e. pumpkin cookies and decor for pumpkin carving)
• Remember that the person is still grieving months down the road, so offer to take them to dinner or do something after the storm has calmed.
• Babysitting!
• Offer to visit the cemetery with them.
• Be the “check-in” person if you are close to them while honoring their personal space.

What to Give

• Journal to write down thoughts
• Magazines and mindless books
• Melatonin and calming essential oils
• A book on grief
• A daily devotional book on grief
  • Healing After Loss by Martha W. Hickman
  • Grief Day by Day by Jan Warner
• A poem
• Print out helpful quotes on grief to give them hope
• A nice handwritten note with memories or kind words
• Prayer shawl
• Memorial item such as a necklace or ring with loved one’s initials or something specific to honor them
• Custom Nike shoes with loved one’s initial

What We Did for Ourselves 

• Giving and receiving huge, long hugs
• Showing up every day, even when it’s hard
• Crying when we need to and not crying when we need to
• Doing “normal” activities even when nothing feels normal
• Exercise
• Pray – endless prayers of gratitude and of mercy
• Talking to our Dad
• Welcoming the big cries whenever they come
• Talking about memories
• Laying and sitting with loved ones
• Getting outside to feel our Dad and to see God’s beauty
• Paying attention to the nuances and signs from our Dad
• EMDR and therapy
• Yoga to process grief
• Walking around outside with my shoes off
• 4-7-8 breathing
• Xanax on hand those first couple weeks if you are struggling with anxiety or panic attacks
• Talking to the right people who have stood where we stand
• Doing what feels right that day, that moment, but also giving myself a little push
• Hanging out with people who fill me up, make me laugh and I can be myself around
• Making self-care a priority
• Watsu Water Therapy